I LOVE MY CAT!

So, the other day Edgar and I found out that Zoomie loves bubbles!!

It's Been a While...

I know its been a while since I've blogged, I feel like I've just had soo much on my plate lately. I have so much to say, but I fear if I type it all out it's going to take me forever and I don't feel like being on my tiny laptop for a long time.

Let's start with the simple and quick stuff.

-Work is still insane. I am trying my hardest not to have a mental breakdown. Advising 800+ students via email, phone and in person has been very trying. If I survive this, I think I can survive anything--I think.

-Edgar and I will be moving in a couple of months. I am so excited for this because we will be looking into renting a 2 bedroom apt/condo instead of the lame "one bedroom" we are in right now. Why is it lame you ask? You try stuffing two full grown adults and a cat in a 525 square foot apartment, lets see what y0u would call it. I'm so over this apartment, it is WAY too small for us. I can't wait until I can chase Zoomie around a (crossing my fingers) 1000 sq ft apartment in a couple of months. Cross your fingers that we find a good deal.

-My Sister-in-law has had her c-section for the twins scheduled on May 22nd. Apparently one of the baby girls is in breech position. We had hoped this wouldn't happen, but there's not much we can do about it. For now, I just wish her a quick 2-3 weeks and I hope that she is in the least amount of pain possible. For selfish reasons I want her babies to come early. I am so anxious to meet my first nieces ever!!

Onto the more complex stuff...

Most of the people who read this blog know that I had a miscarriage back in Jan/Feb. It was a very hard thing to go through and I will never fully be over it. I did however want to thank several people who were there for me via email, phone or even text.

Robyn, Jenn, Brandy, Noush & Angelina:
Thank you so very much for the beautiful flowers that you sent to me. I took pictures of them so that I will always remember them. I hope to print out one of the pictures and frame it. It will always remind me that I am so blessed and fortunate to have you all in my life.
I cried when I received them. From sadness and from happiness. I want to thank you from the depths of my soul. It was a very special gesture and one that I promise you all, I will NEVER forget.

Leslie & Kim:
Thank you for reaching out to me via text or email. Your support and encouragement meant so much to me and I can't tell you how much I needed it. I will never forget how often you checked up on me--that simple act made me feel very cared for and I really needed that. Thank you.

Jewelyn & Irma:
Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I felt less alone, even though no one wants to go through this situation it was comforting to be able to share my feelings with both of you. Thank you for reading my emails and for being so willing to talk about your life with me.

Lately I have had waves of the pain I felt back in Feb. come back to me. It all started with an Academic conference I attended in La Jolla last Wed-Fri. I ran into a co-worker of mine who found out she was pregnant around the same time I did. Her pregnancy is going well, however seeing her baby bump made very sad. All I kept thinking was, "that is exactly what I should look like right now". It was so hard to deal with and many times I walked outside to take deep breaths to keep myself from crying.

A day after that I drove my car into our apartment parking lot only to be met by a one year old little girl after I closed my car door and turned around. She startled me, her grandmother right behind her. The lady says to the little girl, "That's not your mommy" and the words stung me. I looked at the little baby who looked up at me eagerly like I was going to swoop her up in my arms. I looked at her and said, "Sorry". The lady pulled the little girl aside and I walked to the stairs and began walking up to our apartment. When I got to the door and was about to put the key into the door, I heard a low cry and my heart ached. The little baby girl walked to the edge of the stairs and held her arms up toward me as she struggled with tears. She really thought I was her mommy. It was so painful. I can't explain how that simple cry tugged so deeply at my heart strings. All it did was remind me of what I didn't have and it took everything in me to hold back tears when I finally walked into my apartment.

Today I saw a student of mine who had come in earlier in the quarter and told me she was pregnant. I asked her how she was doing and she said that she had a doctor's appointment yesterday and she heard the baby's heartbeat. I chocked back the huge knot in my throat, I thought I was going to break down in front of her. I didn't. I smiled and told her that I was so glad that everything was going well, and I wasn't lying...I really was glad. I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone, but it still stung me. That stupid question that always gnaws at you, "Why me?"

I'm dealing with it the best I can. But I still experience waves of uncontrollable sadness about the whole situation. I know that life happens and also undoes itself. I know with time, things will get easier, but right now my perception of time is gravely distorted. Some days it seems like it all happened yesterday and the pain is new and fresh. Other days I feel like it happened a year ago. The truth is it has been 3 months. Only, three stinking months. Some days are easier than others. Today, unfortunately is not one of them...but I will manage, I always do. Tomorrow is yet another day. Today, I am thankful for my friends and I am thankful that I will always have tomorrow.

On that note, here's a cute LOL cat to make you laugh. I know it made me laugh and boy did I need it. Ummm...so I just spent a long time typing on my little netbook--so much for not wanting to do that...I just did. :P