It's a Crazy Random Day!

Today I had a student come in for advising and her name was Roxanne. For the rest of the day I had this song in my head:



It was a stressful day today. My co-worker retired. After a rough day trying to think about how I'm going to run the department without her and handle the 752 students that we have I wanted to bump this song from my car. I can't get it out of my head. There's some stupid promo at the beginning--ignore it. It's the song that counts. :) It's money baby, money.



Yes, sometimes I'm gangsta. You know you love it.

Here I am with my Susan on her last day of work. OMG, what am I going to do without her?? These next couple of months are going to be sooo hard. She knew so much and helped me learn so much. Now, I'm all on my own at work. F bomb.

Damn

I don't have much to say today. I looked at a calendar I had accidentally marked at work and I would have been 12 weeks along this week. It made the rest of my day crappy. Fortunately my husband made dinner and has been very supportive. I needed to smile, LOL cats always do that for me, so I thought I'd share.


more animals

Getting Back on the Saddle

Last Thursday I finally went back to work--I really felt like it was time. It was a welcome distraction. The students were all eager to ask me if I had gotten their emails and I had to tell them that I had been out of the office for 5 days. It was a huge PITA to try and catch up on all the millions of emails I had gotten while I was out, but I actually managed to get it done. I'm feeling a little better. As the days go by, I become more optimistic. I am trying to focus on the future, but I have to admit with the experience I feel like a slightly different person. I welcome the change though, with what life has thrown at us, I kind of feel like it's a necessary change. I'm trying to focus my energies on other things, like the fact that I think in about a week I will be able to exercise again. This will be great as I can let out some frustrations and lose some much needed weight at the same time. :) So here's to being "positive". Now someone pass me a margarita. Kim, where are you?? ;)

Goodbye Little One

Right now I’m stuck in a dark place. It’s easier to surrender to my emotions than to fight them. I am swimming in melancholy and sleep is my only comfort. When I’m awake I think of you. For moments at a time I can find a distraction, but all thoughts lead back to you and I cry. I cry from the deepest part of my stomach, from the darkest part of my heart. Losing you has been the most painful thing I have had to endure in my whole life. Part of me wants to just crumble to pieces and lie here grieving; loathing myself for all the self-pity I am feeling. But I feel broken. I feel lost. I hate that you were only able to grow to a certain point. Science tells me you had a chromosomal defect. Religion tells me God has a plan. None of the explanations make me feel any better. I don’t care why. I don’t care WHY you are gone; I just know that you are GONE and I want out of this nightmare. And now everything is different. Plans I made for our family will be unmade and it seems we will take a different path. Tears fall for a life that never started. A heart that never began to beat, a baby that will never get to rest in my arms--but that will forever rest in my heart.


Dear Baby,

I have always wanted you. Since I can remember I have wanted to be a “mommy”. I wasn’t expecting you when you made your presence known, but you were a welcome surprise. Your father and I were ecstatic. We couldn’t believe you had come to be so soon. You scared me, but you also filled me with so much happiness. I can’t explain why things happen the way they do—they just happen. But knowing that doesn’t make it any better, it doesn’t take away the pain; it doesn’t justify anything.

I don’t want to wallow in sadness, but it’s something I cannot fight. As strong as I know I am, this has broken me. Losing you has crushed me whole. The excruciating pain I feel slicing me in half from my insides is not physical. I can deal with the physical pain; it’s the emotional pain that I can’t handle.

I don’t want to forget you. I will think of you always. I will always wonder what you would have looked like. What your cries would have sounded like. Would you have been light skinned like me or caramel skinned like your daddy. Would you have been a boy or a girl?

You were only with me for 8 weeks, but I miss you. I miss you so much. I am so sorry that you weren’t able to grow. I’m sorry if I did anything wrong. I’m sorry if I couldn’t make a good home for you. I’m so sorry.

When the nurse awoke me after the surgery I cried—I cried as they wheeled me to my little corner in the hospital. They asked me if I was in pain. Yes I was in pain because they had taken you from me; our first hello was actually our last and final goodbye. I will never feel you again.

All I know is that I will never feel whole again. A piece of me was lost when I lost you. It’s been raining all weekend and the weather couldn’t be more in tune with my emotions. Just know that you were with us on one of the most important days of our lives. You were there with us when we became husband and wife. I am content that you got to experience that special day with us—and I will never forget it. Every time I look at our wedding pictures I will remember that you were with me and I will think of you.

We will always love you and we will never forget you.

Goodbye little one. Go now to your resting place and find peace.

Love always,
Your Mommy and Daddy


And now I leave you with a song that has somehow attached itself to my situation. It has helped me shed many tears.