Lookie Here!

Out with the old and in with the new!!
I have a new blog!

Please add me to your blog list or request me to be a follower of your blog by way of this email addy:

brenda.aragon26@gmail.com

Here's the new blog link! ENJOY!

I Have...

A new post coming. It's something that I've been thinking about for a long time. I need time to configure it in my head before I post something. For the time being I will tell you that it's on the topic of regret. The mangled jargon that I call "thoughts" in my head will soon be plastered all over my blog in a new post. Stay tuned. Same bat time, same bat channel.

I will leave you with a song that I have been listening to...because I LIKE IT! :)

Here We Go...AGAIN (only this time it's different)!

Well, today is day #2 of the 30 Day Shred...only this time, it's different. I don't have any excuses and I can't stop cheating myself. I already tend to eat fairly well...I just don't exercise which is totally stupid.

I could stand to lose 15 pounds and dammit I'm going to do it this time. I may not look chubs and I blame that on the style of clothing right now. My shirts hide my gut well, however that is where most of my fat resides. I have some crazy love handles and there is absolutely no reason for it. All of this on the cusp of my 28 years on this planet. I know that in my early 20's if someone had said to me, "Hey Brenda, when you turn 28 you are going to weigh 141 pounds because you're a lazy fat ass" my 120 pound self would have said "Ha! Yeah right!" Oy. How did I let this happen? Alright J. Michaels...do your stuff. I'm tired of being chub rocks. Don't wish me luck...luck will not help me get rid of these bouncing fat deposits chillin on the side of my so-called waist. Wish me determination, motivation and self discipline. Peace!

LIFE

About two weeks ago, my Administrative Manager found a lump in her breast. She is 37 years young. She is bright, kind, and all in all a great person. Last week she went in to the doctor for a biopsy and shortly there after she was notified that she had breast cancer. Today, she had her mastectomy. My co-workers and I gathered together and sent her some flowers just so that she would know that we were thinking about her. She will now have to go to chemo once a month and more than likely she will lose her hair. Please send her any positive vibes or prayers you can spare (her name is Sharon). It really does make me question life and how we really have no clue what tomorrow holds for us. Some times I think the shittiest things happen to the best people. I have cried several times today. Her and her husband had been TTC and now they will put that on hold due to the current situation, but it is my hope that after this whole ordeal is over, that she will be able to have children.

Today's Life Lesson: Live everyday as though it were your last because dammit, you just don't know.

I LOVE MY CAT!

So, the other day Edgar and I found out that Zoomie loves bubbles!!

It's Been a While...

I know its been a while since I've blogged, I feel like I've just had soo much on my plate lately. I have so much to say, but I fear if I type it all out it's going to take me forever and I don't feel like being on my tiny laptop for a long time.

Let's start with the simple and quick stuff.

-Work is still insane. I am trying my hardest not to have a mental breakdown. Advising 800+ students via email, phone and in person has been very trying. If I survive this, I think I can survive anything--I think.

-Edgar and I will be moving in a couple of months. I am so excited for this because we will be looking into renting a 2 bedroom apt/condo instead of the lame "one bedroom" we are in right now. Why is it lame you ask? You try stuffing two full grown adults and a cat in a 525 square foot apartment, lets see what y0u would call it. I'm so over this apartment, it is WAY too small for us. I can't wait until I can chase Zoomie around a (crossing my fingers) 1000 sq ft apartment in a couple of months. Cross your fingers that we find a good deal.

-My Sister-in-law has had her c-section for the twins scheduled on May 22nd. Apparently one of the baby girls is in breech position. We had hoped this wouldn't happen, but there's not much we can do about it. For now, I just wish her a quick 2-3 weeks and I hope that she is in the least amount of pain possible. For selfish reasons I want her babies to come early. I am so anxious to meet my first nieces ever!!

Onto the more complex stuff...

Most of the people who read this blog know that I had a miscarriage back in Jan/Feb. It was a very hard thing to go through and I will never fully be over it. I did however want to thank several people who were there for me via email, phone or even text.

Robyn, Jenn, Brandy, Noush & Angelina:
Thank you so very much for the beautiful flowers that you sent to me. I took pictures of them so that I will always remember them. I hope to print out one of the pictures and frame it. It will always remind me that I am so blessed and fortunate to have you all in my life.
I cried when I received them. From sadness and from happiness. I want to thank you from the depths of my soul. It was a very special gesture and one that I promise you all, I will NEVER forget.

Leslie & Kim:
Thank you for reaching out to me via text or email. Your support and encouragement meant so much to me and I can't tell you how much I needed it. I will never forget how often you checked up on me--that simple act made me feel very cared for and I really needed that. Thank you.

Jewelyn & Irma:
Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I felt less alone, even though no one wants to go through this situation it was comforting to be able to share my feelings with both of you. Thank you for reading my emails and for being so willing to talk about your life with me.

Lately I have had waves of the pain I felt back in Feb. come back to me. It all started with an Academic conference I attended in La Jolla last Wed-Fri. I ran into a co-worker of mine who found out she was pregnant around the same time I did. Her pregnancy is going well, however seeing her baby bump made very sad. All I kept thinking was, "that is exactly what I should look like right now". It was so hard to deal with and many times I walked outside to take deep breaths to keep myself from crying.

A day after that I drove my car into our apartment parking lot only to be met by a one year old little girl after I closed my car door and turned around. She startled me, her grandmother right behind her. The lady says to the little girl, "That's not your mommy" and the words stung me. I looked at the little baby who looked up at me eagerly like I was going to swoop her up in my arms. I looked at her and said, "Sorry". The lady pulled the little girl aside and I walked to the stairs and began walking up to our apartment. When I got to the door and was about to put the key into the door, I heard a low cry and my heart ached. The little baby girl walked to the edge of the stairs and held her arms up toward me as she struggled with tears. She really thought I was her mommy. It was so painful. I can't explain how that simple cry tugged so deeply at my heart strings. All it did was remind me of what I didn't have and it took everything in me to hold back tears when I finally walked into my apartment.

Today I saw a student of mine who had come in earlier in the quarter and told me she was pregnant. I asked her how she was doing and she said that she had a doctor's appointment yesterday and she heard the baby's heartbeat. I chocked back the huge knot in my throat, I thought I was going to break down in front of her. I didn't. I smiled and told her that I was so glad that everything was going well, and I wasn't lying...I really was glad. I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone, but it still stung me. That stupid question that always gnaws at you, "Why me?"

I'm dealing with it the best I can. But I still experience waves of uncontrollable sadness about the whole situation. I know that life happens and also undoes itself. I know with time, things will get easier, but right now my perception of time is gravely distorted. Some days it seems like it all happened yesterday and the pain is new and fresh. Other days I feel like it happened a year ago. The truth is it has been 3 months. Only, three stinking months. Some days are easier than others. Today, unfortunately is not one of them...but I will manage, I always do. Tomorrow is yet another day. Today, I am thankful for my friends and I am thankful that I will always have tomorrow.

On that note, here's a cute LOL cat to make you laugh. I know it made me laugh and boy did I need it. Ummm...so I just spent a long time typing on my little netbook--so much for not wanting to do that...I just did. :P

The Other Love of My Life

Yesterday it was so beautiful outside, I opened the window for Zoomie to look out at the cars and the people. I couldn't help but try and take some pictures of her. Here are two of my favorites. What do you think? Isn't she adorable? Heehee, I think so, but hey I'm biased because she's my baby :)

Do you...

TWITTER? I just joined. You should too! You'll find me on there as Brenda Aragon :)

3 Things

1) As of today, 3-27-09, I am officially Mrs. Aragon!!

2) I cut my hair. Nothing drastic, just a trim and I got some bangs! (picture coming soon)

3) I am knitting two blankets for my nieces. (pictures coming soon!)

:) Happy Friday!

It's a Crazy Random Day!

Today I had a student come in for advising and her name was Roxanne. For the rest of the day I had this song in my head:



It was a stressful day today. My co-worker retired. After a rough day trying to think about how I'm going to run the department without her and handle the 752 students that we have I wanted to bump this song from my car. I can't get it out of my head. There's some stupid promo at the beginning--ignore it. It's the song that counts. :) It's money baby, money.



Yes, sometimes I'm gangsta. You know you love it.

Here I am with my Susan on her last day of work. OMG, what am I going to do without her?? These next couple of months are going to be sooo hard. She knew so much and helped me learn so much. Now, I'm all on my own at work. F bomb.

Damn

I don't have much to say today. I looked at a calendar I had accidentally marked at work and I would have been 12 weeks along this week. It made the rest of my day crappy. Fortunately my husband made dinner and has been very supportive. I needed to smile, LOL cats always do that for me, so I thought I'd share.


more animals

Getting Back on the Saddle

Last Thursday I finally went back to work--I really felt like it was time. It was a welcome distraction. The students were all eager to ask me if I had gotten their emails and I had to tell them that I had been out of the office for 5 days. It was a huge PITA to try and catch up on all the millions of emails I had gotten while I was out, but I actually managed to get it done. I'm feeling a little better. As the days go by, I become more optimistic. I am trying to focus on the future, but I have to admit with the experience I feel like a slightly different person. I welcome the change though, with what life has thrown at us, I kind of feel like it's a necessary change. I'm trying to focus my energies on other things, like the fact that I think in about a week I will be able to exercise again. This will be great as I can let out some frustrations and lose some much needed weight at the same time. :) So here's to being "positive". Now someone pass me a margarita. Kim, where are you?? ;)

Goodbye Little One

Right now I’m stuck in a dark place. It’s easier to surrender to my emotions than to fight them. I am swimming in melancholy and sleep is my only comfort. When I’m awake I think of you. For moments at a time I can find a distraction, but all thoughts lead back to you and I cry. I cry from the deepest part of my stomach, from the darkest part of my heart. Losing you has been the most painful thing I have had to endure in my whole life. Part of me wants to just crumble to pieces and lie here grieving; loathing myself for all the self-pity I am feeling. But I feel broken. I feel lost. I hate that you were only able to grow to a certain point. Science tells me you had a chromosomal defect. Religion tells me God has a plan. None of the explanations make me feel any better. I don’t care why. I don’t care WHY you are gone; I just know that you are GONE and I want out of this nightmare. And now everything is different. Plans I made for our family will be unmade and it seems we will take a different path. Tears fall for a life that never started. A heart that never began to beat, a baby that will never get to rest in my arms--but that will forever rest in my heart.


Dear Baby,

I have always wanted you. Since I can remember I have wanted to be a “mommy”. I wasn’t expecting you when you made your presence known, but you were a welcome surprise. Your father and I were ecstatic. We couldn’t believe you had come to be so soon. You scared me, but you also filled me with so much happiness. I can’t explain why things happen the way they do—they just happen. But knowing that doesn’t make it any better, it doesn’t take away the pain; it doesn’t justify anything.

I don’t want to wallow in sadness, but it’s something I cannot fight. As strong as I know I am, this has broken me. Losing you has crushed me whole. The excruciating pain I feel slicing me in half from my insides is not physical. I can deal with the physical pain; it’s the emotional pain that I can’t handle.

I don’t want to forget you. I will think of you always. I will always wonder what you would have looked like. What your cries would have sounded like. Would you have been light skinned like me or caramel skinned like your daddy. Would you have been a boy or a girl?

You were only with me for 8 weeks, but I miss you. I miss you so much. I am so sorry that you weren’t able to grow. I’m sorry if I did anything wrong. I’m sorry if I couldn’t make a good home for you. I’m so sorry.

When the nurse awoke me after the surgery I cried—I cried as they wheeled me to my little corner in the hospital. They asked me if I was in pain. Yes I was in pain because they had taken you from me; our first hello was actually our last and final goodbye. I will never feel you again.

All I know is that I will never feel whole again. A piece of me was lost when I lost you. It’s been raining all weekend and the weather couldn’t be more in tune with my emotions. Just know that you were with us on one of the most important days of our lives. You were there with us when we became husband and wife. I am content that you got to experience that special day with us—and I will never forget it. Every time I look at our wedding pictures I will remember that you were with me and I will think of you.

We will always love you and we will never forget you.

Goodbye little one. Go now to your resting place and find peace.

Love always,
Your Mommy and Daddy


And now I leave you with a song that has somehow attached itself to my situation. It has helped me shed many tears.

It's Slow...

I know, I haven't posted anything lately, but that's because I'm still swimming in my "married-ness" (among other things) heehee. And as if you weren't tired of our Wedding pictures already, I have put most, if not all of them onto a slideshow for anyone's viewing pleasure. :D YAY!

Clicky here: Wedding Slideshow

I AM MARRIED!!!

January 17, 2009 is a day I will never forget. On a whim Edgar and I decided we would get married this past weekend. We had been talking about it and planning it for a while and we were going to get married on the 23rd, but a Saturday seemed to be more convenient for every one that was coming to the wedding. Our guests included only our immediate family. Edgar's parents were present as well as mine, and both of our siblings showed up with their significant others. We were married at Calafia Park in San Clemente, CA. We couldn't have asked for a better day. I don't remember seeing a single cloud in the sky and the weather was amazing! Greg Mohr from You May Kiss the Bride married us and he did the most amazing job. Edgar's brother was nice enough to take pictures for us free of charge (I uploaded the smaller res ones because they loaded faster so sorry if they are a bit pixelated).

Pictures of our wedding:

This has been a looooong time coming. It's so awesome to finally have our marriage be "official". This day was one of the most amazing days this far in my life...well with the exception of one other day, but that's another blog post! :D

WTF?!! Are You Serious??

Saturday morning started off pretty well. Edgar and I had a relaxed morning and then decided that we would drive to our local Carmax to check out their used cars. Lately we've been taking about trading in my car so that we can get a more practical 4 door car. So we got our stuff together and walked down our apartment steps to get going. My car was sitting alone in our parking lot. I walked toward the driver side door and reached down to open it when to my horror I realized someone had completely demolished the front fender, the driver side door and the side skirt to my car. I couldn't believe my eyes. I cried and stood in disbelief at the damage. But my car had been parked here, how could anyone do so much damage just driving in or reversing from a parking space??!! I was astonished. I still don't know how someone could have done this without realizing it and stopping. I really believe that this person had to be either severely intoxicated or drugged. The upside to this (if you can call it that) is that the person actually left their information on my windshield. I called my insurance and filed a claim as well as with her insurance. Great way to start the weekend huh? Now I'm concerned that when we go in to try and trade this vehicle we won't get all that it's worth from the dealer because of this "little accident" that didn't even occur when I was IN the car. *Sigh* And well folks, that's life. Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and so on and so forth. Look at my poor baby...

OOH LA LA!

I participated in a Boudoir marathon with Danielle Fletcher on Jan. 3rd in Huntington Beach. Today she posted teaser pics of some of us. I'm in there...find me if you can...but I'm not wearing my glasses heehee. Okay, mine start at the 15th pic! :) EEEEEK!

Sneak a Peak!