Getting Back on the Saddle

Last Thursday I finally went back to work--I really felt like it was time. It was a welcome distraction. The students were all eager to ask me if I had gotten their emails and I had to tell them that I had been out of the office for 5 days. It was a huge PITA to try and catch up on all the millions of emails I had gotten while I was out, but I actually managed to get it done. I'm feeling a little better. As the days go by, I become more optimistic. I am trying to focus on the future, but I have to admit with the experience I feel like a slightly different person. I welcome the change though, with what life has thrown at us, I kind of feel like it's a necessary change. I'm trying to focus my energies on other things, like the fact that I think in about a week I will be able to exercise again. This will be great as I can let out some frustrations and lose some much needed weight at the same time. :) So here's to being "positive". Now someone pass me a margarita. Kim, where are you?? ;)

Goodbye Little One

Right now I’m stuck in a dark place. It’s easier to surrender to my emotions than to fight them. I am swimming in melancholy and sleep is my only comfort. When I’m awake I think of you. For moments at a time I can find a distraction, but all thoughts lead back to you and I cry. I cry from the deepest part of my stomach, from the darkest part of my heart. Losing you has been the most painful thing I have had to endure in my whole life. Part of me wants to just crumble to pieces and lie here grieving; loathing myself for all the self-pity I am feeling. But I feel broken. I feel lost. I hate that you were only able to grow to a certain point. Science tells me you had a chromosomal defect. Religion tells me God has a plan. None of the explanations make me feel any better. I don’t care why. I don’t care WHY you are gone; I just know that you are GONE and I want out of this nightmare. And now everything is different. Plans I made for our family will be unmade and it seems we will take a different path. Tears fall for a life that never started. A heart that never began to beat, a baby that will never get to rest in my arms--but that will forever rest in my heart.


Dear Baby,

I have always wanted you. Since I can remember I have wanted to be a “mommy”. I wasn’t expecting you when you made your presence known, but you were a welcome surprise. Your father and I were ecstatic. We couldn’t believe you had come to be so soon. You scared me, but you also filled me with so much happiness. I can’t explain why things happen the way they do—they just happen. But knowing that doesn’t make it any better, it doesn’t take away the pain; it doesn’t justify anything.

I don’t want to wallow in sadness, but it’s something I cannot fight. As strong as I know I am, this has broken me. Losing you has crushed me whole. The excruciating pain I feel slicing me in half from my insides is not physical. I can deal with the physical pain; it’s the emotional pain that I can’t handle.

I don’t want to forget you. I will think of you always. I will always wonder what you would have looked like. What your cries would have sounded like. Would you have been light skinned like me or caramel skinned like your daddy. Would you have been a boy or a girl?

You were only with me for 8 weeks, but I miss you. I miss you so much. I am so sorry that you weren’t able to grow. I’m sorry if I did anything wrong. I’m sorry if I couldn’t make a good home for you. I’m so sorry.

When the nurse awoke me after the surgery I cried—I cried as they wheeled me to my little corner in the hospital. They asked me if I was in pain. Yes I was in pain because they had taken you from me; our first hello was actually our last and final goodbye. I will never feel you again.

All I know is that I will never feel whole again. A piece of me was lost when I lost you. It’s been raining all weekend and the weather couldn’t be more in tune with my emotions. Just know that you were with us on one of the most important days of our lives. You were there with us when we became husband and wife. I am content that you got to experience that special day with us—and I will never forget it. Every time I look at our wedding pictures I will remember that you were with me and I will think of you.

We will always love you and we will never forget you.

Goodbye little one. Go now to your resting place and find peace.

Love always,
Your Mommy and Daddy


And now I leave you with a song that has somehow attached itself to my situation. It has helped me shed many tears.

It's Slow...

I know, I haven't posted anything lately, but that's because I'm still swimming in my "married-ness" (among other things) heehee. And as if you weren't tired of our Wedding pictures already, I have put most, if not all of them onto a slideshow for anyone's viewing pleasure. :D YAY!

Clicky here: Wedding Slideshow

I AM MARRIED!!!

January 17, 2009 is a day I will never forget. On a whim Edgar and I decided we would get married this past weekend. We had been talking about it and planning it for a while and we were going to get married on the 23rd, but a Saturday seemed to be more convenient for every one that was coming to the wedding. Our guests included only our immediate family. Edgar's parents were present as well as mine, and both of our siblings showed up with their significant others. We were married at Calafia Park in San Clemente, CA. We couldn't have asked for a better day. I don't remember seeing a single cloud in the sky and the weather was amazing! Greg Mohr from You May Kiss the Bride married us and he did the most amazing job. Edgar's brother was nice enough to take pictures for us free of charge (I uploaded the smaller res ones because they loaded faster so sorry if they are a bit pixelated).

Pictures of our wedding:

This has been a looooong time coming. It's so awesome to finally have our marriage be "official". This day was one of the most amazing days this far in my life...well with the exception of one other day, but that's another blog post! :D

WTF?!! Are You Serious??

Saturday morning started off pretty well. Edgar and I had a relaxed morning and then decided that we would drive to our local Carmax to check out their used cars. Lately we've been taking about trading in my car so that we can get a more practical 4 door car. So we got our stuff together and walked down our apartment steps to get going. My car was sitting alone in our parking lot. I walked toward the driver side door and reached down to open it when to my horror I realized someone had completely demolished the front fender, the driver side door and the side skirt to my car. I couldn't believe my eyes. I cried and stood in disbelief at the damage. But my car had been parked here, how could anyone do so much damage just driving in or reversing from a parking space??!! I was astonished. I still don't know how someone could have done this without realizing it and stopping. I really believe that this person had to be either severely intoxicated or drugged. The upside to this (if you can call it that) is that the person actually left their information on my windshield. I called my insurance and filed a claim as well as with her insurance. Great way to start the weekend huh? Now I'm concerned that when we go in to try and trade this vehicle we won't get all that it's worth from the dealer because of this "little accident" that didn't even occur when I was IN the car. *Sigh* And well folks, that's life. Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and so on and so forth. Look at my poor baby...

OOH LA LA!

I participated in a Boudoir marathon with Danielle Fletcher on Jan. 3rd in Huntington Beach. Today she posted teaser pics of some of us. I'm in there...find me if you can...but I'm not wearing my glasses heehee. Okay, mine start at the 15th pic! :) EEEEEK!

Sneak a Peak!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to everyone! I hope all of you had a wonderful day! :) So far, it's been a very memorable Christmas for me and my family. I just wanted to share some pictures I took of our "mini" x-mas tree. (Yes these were taken with my crappy little point and shoot.) Enjoy!