Learning About Myself

These are the things I've learned about myself.

1) It is possible I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) or I am just very anal.

Here are the reasons why I believe this:

* Last week I was at a friends house playing Scrabble. Every time one of the small tiles was not laying flat on the board's surface I had to fix it. I HAD TO FIX IT. I would stare at it obsessively, I would try not to focus on it, but I couldn't look away and if I managed to do so I was thinking about it. It was haunting me.

* When I am at Blockbuster if I see a movie title and it is not in it's place I feel compelled to put it where it belongs. Key word: COMPELLED.

* When I go to a clothing store and I try on something that I don't like, I will walk back to where I originally picked it up from and put it back. I don't put things in random places. I don't do it to be nice to the sales people--I do it because it seriously bugs the crap out of me that the article of clothing is not where it belongs. Key word: BELONGS.

* My DVDs at home are arranged by genre and then by alphabet.

2) I think I am a CONTROL freak.
Here's why:

* If I could do everything myself I would. Meaning I would cut my own hair, do my own makeup (for special occasions, etc.), sew my own clothes, grow my own food, so on and so forth. I am one of those, you're not doing it right, here let me do that, type of people. It sucks, but it's me.

* If my desk is a mess at work I feel like I'm losing control.

3) I am a feeler and a giver.

* I thrive off of giving to those that I love and feeling needed. I am a cancer--a nurturer by nature of the stars. I thrive off feeling like I can help someone, like I've made a difference in their life. I feed off of this need, it gives me purpose in life.

* I don't think with my brain. I am NOT a rational thinker. I am an emotional feeling type of person. My actions, for the majority of the time, are based off of my emotions. This sometimes makes me a damn lunatic, I'm sure it drives others crazy. I am overly emotional and when that happens I throw all logic out of the window with good reasoning.

This is who I am.

I am a deep thinker. Sometimes I can get lost in my thoughts and stare into space and nothingness. My vision blurs and I will think about anything and everything. Lately when people have been talking to me my mind will wander and they will be talking and talking and I tune them out only to go to my own thoughts. It's mean, but it happens and I can't stop it. I am not a quiet person, but I can be. When I am not lost in my thoughts I am talking a lot. However, if you've caught me at a time when I am drowning in visions and life and "what ifs" I will be rude to you, I will be short with you. How dare you cut into my "me" time.

As the years go by, I learn more about myself. Sometimes, it's surprising. Sometimes, I realize I already kind of had an idea all along. More to come. My mind is in sixth gear and I'm driving 100 mph down the freeway of my thoughts. I can't make it stop.